rough day. thoughts of discouragement, defeat, and self-pity looming today. feel too weak to fight it. throughout the school day and after i got home.. started questioning where my life is going. and if what im doing now is significant, impacting, meaningful in any way. not just that, has anything i've been doing for the past two years have any worth/born any fruit? and are my future plans going to bear any fruit or am i being foolish in my hopeful ambitions? these are my young, single years post-college, the years where you either grow to exceed or utterly fail to meet your potential... and what am i doing with my life? i wonder if the choices i made the past few years were the right ones. hrm.. so i journaled and read this. and lo and behold, it was very fitting.
ecc 10.
(v.1) be adventurous and try out new things... cast out my time/energy/investment broadly because you will reap from it. don't always play it safe.
(v.2) don't put all your eggs in one basket and invest everything into a specific agenda or ambition because you dont know what will happen in the future - what if disaster comes upon your plans and you lose everything? diversify your efforts because you never know what your investment will result in. it is totally my personality to put all my eggs in one basket - that's so me! i love the idea going "all-in" and getting a perfect result, finding security and safety in that one thing that you put all your effort into. like my career.. i wanna go "all-in" to one career and just establish security for myself and stabilize my future... BUT God is not asking me to live that way. i think in this stage of my life, God may want me to start investing in different things, even if they seem disparate from one another... it's okay. bc God will connect the dots and there's a reason for everything he calls me to do. even if it doesnt all make sense right now. be bold, take some risk in trying new things, learning new things, and explore... you will reap from it bc if God called you to it, He will make it fruitful. so with me in teaching, detroit, design, lifegroup, etc.. invest in these different things bc it will reap something - you may not know what just yet - but it will.
(v.3-4) "if clouds are full of water, they pour rain upon the earth. whether a tree falls to the south or to the north, in the place where it falls, there will it lie. whoever watches the wind will not plant; whoever looks at the clouds will not reap." hahaha this is SO for me. God definitely wanted me to read this. i am the person who is always over-thinking things.. that's my constant problem. i think too much and never take action. im a thinker, not a do-er. ppl like me mull over every detail and try to figure out the best plan of action without ever taking any action bc of the fear and anxieties that fill up our minds. anyway, that's me right now. especially as i think about the future and my next steps. my next step: gre, grad school apps, teaching certification? but i keep second-guessing myself these days and mulling over EVERY reason why i should or should not do it or why it could or could not work out or how it might succeed or how it might fail, etc etc. bc of all these questions i have, i often tkae a LONG time to decide on something and actually do something, take action, take steps forward. lisa, my accountability partner last year, would always rebuke me about that haha. and she was so right.
(v.5-6) i need to trust that no matter how much i think about these things, i have no control over what happens. God is God and He is master of the universe and controls every detail of life - can i trust in His control? for now, just DO what you can. sow your seed, work hard and be faithful with what you've been given, dont be lazy, and let God take care of the rest. i cant fully control or anticipate what will succeed and what will fail, so just DO IT and trust that God will lead me.
thanks God for the encouragement today - you know i needed it. like really. you know me so well. help me to surrender to and fully trust in your leadership.
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